Cruising: Pre-travel travel reviews. What have I done?

Heyyyyyy Everybody! Put your hands togeddah for our new guest blogger CAREY B!!!!! YAYAYAYYYYYYY [in Kermit voice] and our new category...Cruising!!! YAYAYAAYYAYYYYYYY!!!!! [waves green puppet arms]

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I went to see one of the partners I used to work with giving his closing argument to a jury.  He said, in his down-home manner, that the problem with his opposing counsel was their argument just didn't make sense.  "Folks, he said, it's like they are reviewing a restaurant, and telling you that the food is terrible, but the portions are too small!"

Take a moment, let that sink in. 

(As a complete aside, I used that line once in front of a jury, and with my NOT down-home style, it didn't quite play in Peoria.  I felt like a bad comic.  Nay, I AM a bad comic.)

<-----Carey B. & Boo Radley. Dat ain't her hubby, it's her dawg

My handsome hubby sent me a link to the online reviews for the cruise that he agreed to take with me and my Mom and her husband to celebrate their 65th birthdays this year.  I was a little scaredy-cat about reading them, because (although I love my Mommy tons and tons and tons) I didn't exactly go top of the line.  Ultimately, the reviews didn't tell me anything I didn't already suspect about our how-shall-we-say "fun" cruise, I had NO IDEA what cruising subculture exists on these internets I keep hearing about.  Apparently, my fellow cruisers (oh crap, am I a "cruiser" now?) are an enthusiastic bunch.

First of all, they all have these signature blocks with a countdown until their next cruise, and fancy lists of all the ships on which they've sailed.  They review these cruises, I kid you not, DOWN TO THE CROUTONS ON THE CAESAR SALAD.  Yeah, that's right, I'm shouting about salad.  There is talk of towel animals, karaoke DJ's, and color themes of the cabins.  I think every single review I've read mentioned a particular chocolate dessert they offer.  The devil isn't in the details.  Cruise passengers are.

That's the beloved Mom------->

I'm trying to be a more compassionate person, so it is with a small amount of pain that I have to mock a couple particular reviews, but that's what I am compelled to do.  One seaman (sorry, had to do it) complained that his waiter wasn't encouraging enough when he wanted to order a second entree, so he only had two dinners once during his trip.  This wasn't the first review mentioning ease-of-getting-two-plates-of-food-in-one-sitting, but it's not like you can't get up from the table and walk to a buffet somewhere else on the ship, at no additional charge.  In any event, not 50 words later, this reviewer was complaining that the chairs on the ship had sides, and thus not comfortable for vacationers of a particular size, like himself.  Just to sum up.  The waiters weren't enthusiastic enough about feeding him to excess, and he couldn't fit in the chairs. 

There is also much sharing of information about what to wear on 'formal night.'  It's sort of scary.  There is exchanging of photos, and apparently this is taken some kind of serious.  In fact, there is a lot of disdain from devoted cruisers that other people in the dining room weren't dressed up enough, and ruining it for everybody.  There are far too many gentlemen sharing pictures of themselves in tuxes with glittery ties and (of course) sunglasses on in preparation for formal night.  I'm looking at you, green metallic cumberbund guy.  As someone who I guarantee will be bringing one husband who will be wearing the bare minimum in 'formality' to scoot his chair up to the lobster, I am sure we're going to be the focus of lots of dirty looks.  One reviewer was posting pictures of all of her formal wear including her homecoming dress for advice on what to wear to dinner, in like 5 months.  It's like sad adult prom! (Check out some real-world action HERE)

So there you go.  6 weeks until I enter their world.  A world of never-ending happiness, where you can always feed at the buffet.  Day, night.  I'll let you know how it goes.  And between just us chickens?  I'm really excited for the towel animals.